Inquisitive.me

Imagine someone hands you a gift. It might be something wonderful—just what you were hoping for—or something you can’t stand, something you’d never choose in a million years.

Now ask yourself: if you don’t accept the gift, who does it belong to?

Exactly. Not you. It goes back to the giver.

So why do we so often accept the “gifts” we don’t want—insults, blame, passive-aggressive comments, criticism that cuts instead of helps?

I’ll admit, it’s not easy to hand them back. Especially when you work with people. Some days, it feels like certain individuals are determined to test your patience, poke at your boundaries, or pull you into an argument.

But over time, I’ve learned how to say no thanks—graciously, yet firmly.

When I first started working as a physiotherapist, I often came across patients who were less than enthusiastic about group sessions. Some would flat-out say, “I’m not doing this today.” Others went further:

“You can’t make me.”

What happens if I refuse to join?”

“This exercise is stupid.”

One moment stuck with me—though it wasn’t even in my session. A patient turned to a colleague and said:

“So, should I cooperate today or not?”

You could practically hear my colleague thinking: I don’t know, man, that’s your call. I’m not here to beg.

He didn’t say that, of course—but I could relate. I knew exactly what he was feeling.

I’ve seen how these comments throw people off. But from day one, I knew I didn’t want to get pulled in. I had already come across the idea of not accepting a negative gift—an insult, a provocation, a jab meant to get under your skin.

So, when someone tried to push my buttons, my response was simple:

“That’s okay. You’re welcome to sit and watch. Join us whenever you’re ready.”

It disarmed them. Every time.

Why? Because I wasn’t playing the game. I wasn’t giving them a fight.

My mum used to say, “To have a quarrel, you need two people.”

She was right.

When you take yourself out of the argument, it loses power. You’re not cold or distant—you’re just not engaging. You’re still kind. Still consistent. But you don’t carry the gift home.

And here’s what I’ve found:

People realize quickly they can’t manipulate me—but they also see I’m not mad at them for trying. I care. I’m just not going to argue.

In the end, everyone saves energy. No drama. No fight. Just space to reset.

Because most of the time, it’s not really about you. It’s about them—their story, their struggle, their need to feel in control when life feels out of control.

And as much as I want to help, I’ve learned not to bend over backwards trying to prove I’m a good therapist to someone who’s already decided I’m not. Why spend energy convincing them? Why take on blame just to feel momentarily better?

It’s like accepting a gift you don’t even like—then trying to convince yourself you might grow to like it later.

Why not just… not take it in the first place?

Marcus Aurelius said it well:

When another reproaches or hates you, or utters anything to that purpose; go to his soul; enter in there; and look what manner of man he is. You will see that you need not trouble yourself to make him think well or ill of you. Yet you should be kindly towards such men, for they are by nature your friends.

Some gifts are best left unopened.

Reading about this is one thing—but living it is where the real shift happens.

It takes practice to pause, reflect, and choose a different response. But the more often you do, the lighter you’ll feel. Let’s explore how you can start small and make it stick.

🧪 Let’s Experiment

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You don’t have to accept every gift handed to you—especially not the ones that weigh you down.

We can’t control how others act, but we can control how we respond. And sometimes, the most powerful response is simply not picking up what they’re trying to hand you.

🎯 Try This:

This week, pay attention when someone offers you a “bad gift”—a snide remark, passive aggression, or misplaced frustration. Pause and ask yourself: Do I want to accept this? You don’t have to. Let it go—no defense, no drama, just a quiet return to sender.

If a response feels necessary, stay calm and curious:

• Try “What do you mean by that?” to disarm subtle jabs. It forces them to either clarify or back down—often uncomfortably.
• Or “What would be an appropriate response to you?” when someone criticizes your reaction or oversteps. It places the responsibility back where it belongs—without adding fuel to the fire.

These phrases shift the weight of explanation back to them—without escalating tension.

🧠 Final Thought:

You don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to. Real strength is walking away without losing your balance.

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Keep it simple, stay curious, and keep learning—you’ve got this.

Take care,

Carina 🦊