Inquisitive.me

Oh boy. I think a lot of women have heard this one before: “Smile a little more.”

I heard it again today.

And somehow, it’s almost always the same type of situation. A professional setting. In my case during a presentation. And a comment that has nothing to do with the actual content—but everything to do with how pleasant I appear.

Let’s be honest about what that sentence really means.

“Be a little more enjoyable for me.”
“I have expectations—and I want you to meet them.”

And just like that, your role shifts.
From professional… to performer.
From expert… to emotional support.

No thanks.

I’m not here to entertain you. I’m here to do my job.

That day, I was already a bit drained. And that one sentence almost pushed me over the edge. My response wasn’t terrible—but it wasn’t great either. It was a bit too reactive. A bit too emotional. And honestly, it cost me more energy than it should have.

So I stepped back and thought about it.

Because this kind of situation? It’s not rare.
And the goal isn’t to win the argument.

The goal is to protect your energy while holding your boundary.

Here’s the framework I’ll use next time—and maybe it helps you too.

First rule:
No discussion.
No explanation.
No escalation.

That’s harder than it sounds. But it’s everything.

If you engage, you give the other person a stage.
And suddenly, you’re not setting a boundary anymore—you’re debating your right to have one.

Instead, match your response to your energy level.

🔴 Low energy. Quick. Neutral. No opening.

• “That’s not what this is about right now.”
• “I’m focusing on the content.”
• “I’m in work mode right now.”

No emotion. No explanation. No space to continue.

🟠 Mid energy. Clear. Slightly confronting—but still calm.

• “What exactly are you expecting from me?”
• “Why is that important to you right now?”

Now the ball is back in their court.
And most of the time? They don’t have a good answer.

🟢 High energy. Direct boundary.

• “Comments like that are inappropriate in a professional setting.”
• “I’m here as a therapist, not for entertainment.”

And here’s the important part: Stay calm. No sarcasm. No sharp edges.

Because the moment you add emotional charge, you invite escalation. And escalation costs energy.

The real shift is this:

You’re not here to meet someone else’s expectations.
You’re here as a professional who sets the frame.

Now, in my case, it didn’t end there.

After the presentation, he came up to me again. Tried to explain himself. Said he just wanted the presentation to be more “exciting.”

That’s the moment where many people slip.

Because now it feels like a conversation. Like something that can be resolved.

But it’s not.

He wasn’t trying to understand me. He was trying to overwrite my boundary with his opinion.

And that’s a losing game.

Because this isn’t about logic.
It’s about expectations.

So don’t try to explain.
Don’t try to convince.
Don’t try to find common ground.

Instead—break the record.

Repeat your boundary. Calm. Neutral. No variation.

• “I’ve already answered that.”
• “I’ve said everything I need to say about that.”

No new arguments. No new entry points.

You’re not continuing the conversation—you’re closing it.

If needed, redirect your attention:

• “I’ll focus on the other questions now.”
• “I’m happy to answer any professional questions.”

Translation: I give my energy to what matters. Not to this.

And just as important—what you don’t do:

Don’t justify yourself. For what?
For someone else making you uncomfortable?

Don’t be extra nice to soften the moment.
That’s not your responsibility.

Don’t validate their perspective.
They didn’t validate yours.

Don’t try to smooth things over.
They crossed the line. Not you.

Boundaries aren’t loud.
They’re clear.

And the less energy you waste defending them, the stronger they become.

🧪 Let’s Experiment

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Not everything that’s socially accepted is acceptable.

Comments like “smile more” often fly under the radar because they’re subtle. But subtle doesn’t mean harmless—it just means harder to call out.

🎯 Try This:

For the next month, use this post as your radar.

Pay attention to comments that feel slightly off—even if you can’t immediately explain why.

When something hits that nerve, run it through this quick filter:

• Would this be said to a man in the same position?
• Is this about my work—or about how I make someone feel?
• Do I feel respected—or adjusted?

If the answer leans toward discomfort, name it—at least to yourself:

→ “That’s a boundary violation.”

Or take it one step further and write it down.

Because the more you see it, the faster you’ll recognize it next time.

And the faster you recognize it, the easier it gets to not accept it.

🧠 Final Thought:

“Smile more” isn’t harmless small talk. It’s a subtle way of telling you to adjust yourself to someone else’s expectations.

To all the men out there—just don’t say it.
To all the women out there—don’t accept it.

It’s a boundary violation. Subtle. Socially accepted. And still disrespectful.

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Keep it simple, stay curious, and keep learning—you’ve got this.

Take care,

Carina 🦊