Inquisitive.me

This is my first blog post, and honestly—I have no idea what I’m doing. So, let’s dive in.

I’m not really a “relationship” person, so I wasn’t sure why I started reading How To Not Die Alone by Logan Ury. Well, actually… I do know. Someone recommended it, the title sounded fun, and I was curious. What I didn’t expect was how much I’d enjoy it—or how many insights I’d take away from it. I even started testing out a few of the strategies. A bit of a self-experiment, I guess.

That’s why I’m sharing the key takeaways with you—not because I’m looking for a relationship, but because the book made me reflect. A lot.

For context: I’m single. And I actually enjoy being single. Not because I can’t find anyone, but because I’m not actively looking. So why read a book about relationships? Simple—I wanted to understand how people today are navigating dating without getting murdered by an axe-wielding maniac.

I’ve been meeting people online long before it was cool. As a gamer, connecting virtually was just part of life. You talk, play together, get to know each other—and sometimes, you meet in real life. Some of those friendships still exist, even though we’re not playing anymore.

Nowadays, that kind of connection is totally normal. But that doesn’t make dating any easier. Logan Ury explains that finding the right person has become harder than ever—mostly because of the paradox of choice. We’re surrounded by options, and instead of feeling free, we feel overwhelmed. We freeze. Like when you stare at a 10-page menu and end up ordering the same thing you always do.

So here’s what I want to do: share 5 insights from the book that really stuck with me—ones I’d probably use myself, someday (not today though, lol).

5 Tips on How to Not Die Alone

Tip #1: Identify Your Dating Patterns 🎯

Logan Ury breaks down three common dating tendencies: the Romanticizer, the Maximizer, and the Hesitater. If you’re not sure which one you are, there’s a quiz in the book to help you figure it out.

Here’s a quick rundown of each:

🌹 The Romanticizer

This type believes in soulmates and love at first sight—which can lead to unrealistic expectations about relationships. Romanticizers often chase the perfect love story but forget that real relationships take effort. The hardest part isn’t finding “the one”—it’s staying in and growing with someone over time.

🔍 The Maximizer

Always on the lookout for something (or someone) better. Maximizers have unrealistic expectations of their partner and struggle to commit because they fear settling. They’d benefit from becoming more like “satisficers”—people who make a good-enough choice and then invest in making it great.

🕰️ The Hesitater

This type is always almost ready to date. They tell themselves they’ll start once they’ve got it all together—financially, emotionally, physically. But the truth is, they have unrealistic expectations of themselves. You don’t wait until you’re fluent before practicing a new language—and dating works the same way. You get better through doing.

Tip #2: Find your life partner 💕

We often believe that money, attractiveness, shared hobbies, and similar personality traits are the key ingredients in a great relationship—but that’s a focusing illusion. We concentrate on the obvious and overrate their importance.

Those traits might be great for a prom date. Someone who looks amazing in photos, creates a fun and exciting evening, and impresses your friends. But when it comes to real life, that’s not enough. A life partner is something else entirely.

💸 Money only matters significantly in low-income relationships, where day-to-day survival is at stake. Beyond a certain point, more money doesn’t bring more happiness. We quickly adapt—just like lottery winners do.

🔥 Attractiveness is important from an evolutionary standpoint: it increases the desire to mate and pass on our genes. But desire fades twice as fast as affection. What’s left is who they are—not how they look.

🎯 Shared hobbies might seem romantic at first, but they can turn sour if one person feels pressured to join or if the activity becomes less enjoyable when shared.

🧬 Similar personalities only really matter later in life, when we’ve already built stable routines and want someone who fits smoothly into them. Otherwise, we’re often attracted to people who are different from us—it promotes genetic diversity and helps us grow.

So, what does make someone life-partner material?

💖 Emotional stability and kindness.

🧘 The ability to regulate their emotions instead of lashing out.

🤝 Supportiveness and empathy.

💬 Willingness to have honest, constructive arguments.

According to relationship expert John Gottman, 69% of problems in a relationship are unsolvable—like differences in punctuality or neatness. But the goal isn’t to fix every issue. It’s to feel safe even in disagreement. You should never fear that a fight will end the relationship. Instead, you bounce back stronger.

Tip #3: Make the most of dating apps 📈

Dating apps can be useful, but they’re also built to exploit how our brains work.

We tend to focus on what’s easy to measure—height, age, distance—because these traits are easier to compare. Behavioral scientist Chris Hsee calls this evaluability. The simpler something is to evaluate, the more weight we give it. But that doesn’t mean it’s more important.

Then there’s the status quo bias—our tendency to stick with default settings. Just like that gym membership you haven’t canceled, we often don’t change our app filters, even if they’re working against us. So here’s a reminder: check your filters. Loosen up age or height ranges. You might be missing out on someone great just because of a number.

💡 Quick side tip: Don’t juggle too many matches at once. Don’t get stuck in the endless chat loop either. Both can lead to the Monet effect—when someone seems beautiful and perfect from a distance, but up close, the fantasy crumbles.

Want dating apps to actually work for you? Here’s how:

Tip #4: Give the second date a chance 2️⃣

We already know about the status quo bias—now it’s time to use it to our advantage. Here’s your new default setting: always go on the second date. Unless it’s our axe-murderer friend. Then please don’t.

This simple rule protects us from falling into two common traps: the negativity bias and the fundamental attribution error.

The negativity bias means our brain is wired to focus more on what could go wrong. That makes sense evolutionarily—remembering the things that could kill us (hi again, Mr. Axe Murderer) kept our ancestors alive. But in modern dating, it often causes us to dismiss someone for minor flaws or awkward first impressions.

The fundamental attribution error is our tendency to assume that someone’s behavior reflects who they are at their core. If they show up late to the date, we might instantly label them as inconsiderate—without wondering whether they got caught in traffic or had a rough day.

To avoid these traps, try shifting your focus. Actively look for what’s going well—it’s like a muscle you can train. And if in doubt? Stick to your default setting: go on the second date.

Just don’t mistake small annoyances for major incompatibilities. Breathing loudly might be irritating, but it’s not a deal-breaker. Wanting kids vs. not wanting kids? Now that’s a real one.

Tip #5: Make a clear choice 🤝

Research by Amar Cheema and Dilip Soman shows that breaking down decisions into smaller, deliberate steps improves self-control and helps us make better choices. In one study, participants reached for cookies separated by colored wax paper, forcing them to pause and consciously decide each time if they really wanted one. This simple act significantly reduced cookie consumption. (Fun fact: white wax paper wasn’t as effective.)

So, what can we take from this? Recognize key decision points or milestones in your relationships—and make intentional choices at each. Without this, you risk sliding into the next phase without clarity or purpose.

Milestones like defining your relationship status or deciding to move in together need conscious attention. Deciding if you’re officially a couple should happen sooner rather than later—not necessarily after the second date, but at a time that feels right. The sooner you understand where you stand and what your partner wants, the less time you’ll waste stuck in the frustrating limbo between casual dating and commitment.

Moving in together is another big decision. It can offer financial benefits, but also complicate breakups by adding shared routines and living expenses. This often triggers the sunk cost fallacy—where we hesitate to walk away because of what we’ve already invested, even when it might be better to let go.

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📝 Key takeaways

• Understanding your dating pattern—Romanticizer, Maximizer, or Hesitater—helps you overcome unrealistic expectations and navigate dating smarter.
• Emotional stability and kindness matter way more in a life partner than shared hobbies, looks, or money.
• Use dating apps strategically: avoid over-filtering, pick authentic photos, and write profiles that spark real conversations.
• Always give the second date a chance (unless there’s a clear deal-breaker)—first impressions can be deceiving because of negativity bias.
• Make conscious choices at key relationship milestones instead of letting things just happen by default.

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Thanks for spending this time with me. Keep exploring, stay open to new ideas, and remember—growth is a journey, not a destination.

Take care,

Carina 🦊