Inquisitive.me

At our interdisciplinary meeting in the rehab center the other day, we discussed a patient who joined our three-week program. Whenever we offered suggestions—especially from the dietitian’s side—he pushed back.

His reason?

“My wife doesn’t allow me.”

Yes, you read that right: his wife wouldn’t “allow” him to live a healthier life.

My colleagues were stunned. Why would someone who loves you not want you to get better?

I wasn’t as surprised—because there’s a name for this.

Ever heard of the crab mentality?

Picture crabs in a bucket: whenever one tries to climb out, the others pull it back down so none of them escape.

In people, it looks like this: out of jealousy or insecurity, someone undermines another person’s effort to grow or succeed. It’s that quiet, toxic belief of

If I can’t have it, you can’t either.

Changing your life—new habits, personal growth—is already hard. It gets even harder when the people around you tug at your ankles.

Maybe you’ve felt it. You start working out, meditating, or eating better and suddenly the comments roll in:

• “Why spend so much time at the gym? Relax a little.”
• “Nobody ever died from a burger.”
• “One glass of wine won’t kill your progress.”
• “Why push yourself so hard?”
• “We’re all going to die anyway—just live a little.”

These are the crabs in the bucket—sometimes friends, sometimes family. The very people you thought would cheer you on can end up pulling you back.

Watching someone else totally go for it can be incredibly upsetting to the person who’s spent a lifetime building a solid case for why they themselves can’t.

Jen Sincero

And that stings. Because these are your people. They should be happy for you. Right?

Yet often, their resistance wears you down until you stop trying.

Here’s the truth: it’s not about you. It’s about them.

Your growth highlights their stagnation. Your change threatens their comfort. Your pursuit shines a light on their fear.

Sahil Bloom

But how do you handle it?

1. Be deliberate about who you spend time with

This might not work for everyone—my patient, for example, doesn’t have that option—but for many of us, it’s powerful.

Choose to be around people who root for your growth, not your comfort.

I once knew someone who said outright: “I’m happier when others feel bad.” That attitude will never lift you up. It keeps you at the bottom, just like the crabs.

It’s not easy to distance yourself, especially from childhood friends or people who helped you through dark times. But as Mel Robbins explains, adult friendships are different.

As kids, we bond over shared classes, sports, and milestones. But adulthood scatters timelines. Suddenly everyone moves in different directions. To keep thriving, you have to be intentional—let some relationships fade and invite new ones in.

Mel suggests looking at three things:

• Proximity – Who are you physically around?
• Timing – Who’s on a similar life path right now?
• Energy – Do they still vibe with you, or does the energy shift as you grow?

If even one of these three pillars isn’t met, the friendship will eventually feel off-balance—it simply won’t work in the long run. Changing a habit or your lifestyle is a shift in energy, and sometimes that means a friendship no longer fits. That’s natural—let them go.

2. Be aware of your environment and set boundaries

For someone like my patient, this is key. Notice what’s happening around you and, if necessary, speak up.

It’s your health, your goals, your habits. It’s not your responsibility to shrink so someone else feels comfortable.

Just because you’re winning doesn’t mean they’re losing. They can choose to grow too.

That’s the tricky part of relationships—staying aligned as life unfolds. Honestly, it’s something I fear myself. I never want to feel trapped again. But with open communication, it’s possible.

And if it’s not? Then you face a choice: move on, or accept staying stuck. Either way, the choice is yours.

🧪 Let’s Experiment

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Take a closer look at the relationships in your life and see whether they lift you—or quietly hold you back.

The crab mentality often hides in plain sight. Sometimes it’s in a playful jab about your habits, other times in a friendship that once felt natural but now leaves you drained. This isn’t about judging or cutting people off on a whim—it’s about noticing where the balance has shifted.

🎯 Try This:

• List your closest circle. Jot down the three to five people you spend the most time with.
• Check the three pillars. For each person, ask yourself:
  • Proximity: Are we still naturally in each other’s daily world?
  • Timing: Are we in a similar season of life right now?
  • Energy: Do I leave our conversations feeling lifted or depleted?
• Spot the gaps. If even one pillar isn’t fulfilled, the friendship will eventually feel off-balance—it simply won’t work in the long run.
• Choose your next move. That might mean starting an honest conversation, loosening the tie, or simply adjusting your expectations so the relationship fits where you are today.

🧠 Final Thought:

Friendships that grow with you feel light and nourishing; the rest eventually weigh you down. Recognizing which connections lift you isn’t selfish—it’s how you make room for connections that match the life you’re building.

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Keep it simple, stay curious, and keep learning—you’ve got this.

Take care,

Carina 🦊